It's been quite some time since I last blogged in here. I suppose with all the hustle and bustle of the summer season and the stresses of work has finally caught up with me. Nothing much has really happened since I last blogged. Well, I guess alot of changes at work...with the boss not being there and all the anxiety of what is going to happen next to everyone. I've just been trying to do my job...and go home and forget about work when I'm at home.

So last weekend, I saw Transformers 2 with my nephew at a theatre in Woodbridge (I live in Scarborough). It's a good 30 mins drive I would estimate. It was a busy weekend with it being the opening weekend for Transformers. Anyhoo, let me tell you it's quite difficult to go to the movies on your own with a 6 year old child! I wanted us to grab our seats before it got too busy but I had to worry about getting the snacks too! So I made the executive decision to get ourselves seats and then I would leave him (instructing him to not talk to anyone except to tell them that the seat was taken) and go out and get our snacks. As I was waiting in line...I kept worrying about him sitting by himself in the theatre. Is this how a parent feels like? I didn't want to leave him....but he wanted to eat something. After the movie, he wanted to play some video games and being that I felt like spoiling him, I let him. After his game was done I said it was time to go home. We drove to a BK in Markham to see if they had any of the toys for the kids meal and it was only then that I realized I had lost my wallet. Panic stricken I told him we had to leave and go back to the theatres! We got there, and I searched where I thought it would be but had no luck. I went to see if anyone had turned it in....but no one did. I was so upset with myself. My poor nephew felt bad that he even insisted that we call the police or try to return something so that his Tita would have some money. Shortly after we got home, our house phone rings. It was someone who had found my wallet and searched our number in the phone directory. I was so relieved. Good people still exist in this world. I couldn't believe that someone had found my wallet and was calling me to let me know. I picked it up the very next day.

So, I've been thinking alot lately about my life and the direction it's going or the lack of. Sure, I work...but I still have debts that I want to get rid of before 30. I have this desire to start my own business but with full time work, it almost seems impossible. I've lost some friends along the way. It hurts...err...makes me sad to think about it but I don't know if after all this time can it go back to the way it use to be. It's been almost 1 whole year since I've seen or spoken to Rachel. I don't want to admit to myself that our friendship wasn't strong enough to survive a petty fight. Things seem different with Audrey and I. It's as if we've grown apart. It's probably due to the fact that what's happening in each other's lives is not in sync with each other. I'm happy for her that she's found her match...and pretty soon she'll be living on her own. I wish things could go back to the way it all use to be. I wish we found the time for each other to just hang out...to chill.

Anyway, I attended my friends' daughter's birthday party at the park....and it hit me hard that we've reached that next step in our lives. Most of my friends are either married, involved with someone or married with kids. And I found myself in panic mode. Well I wouldn't say super panic mode...but enough to make me want to blog about it. I started realizing that in 6 months, I will be turning 29 years old. I'm almost 30 years old...no boyfriend....no committed relationship that will eventually turn into marriage and a family. I mean sure I get it...there really isn't a time limit or a right age to be moving into that phase of life...but today I realized I want "it". The "it" being...that next stage in life...that committed relationship....that would turn into marriage. I want the family....I want the kids...and the responsibilities that come with it. I want a baby.

I don't want to be that one family member that never gets married...finds herself all by herself. I mean sure I can definitely stand on my own two feet should something ever happen to my parents. And I don't mind the temporary Independence. But I miss it...I miss taking care of someone....having someone there for me when all my friends are too busy. And well the baby thing...I've thought it over and over in my mind....and I wouldn't mind raising a child on my own...should marriage not be in my cards. I've expressed my desire for a baby to my sister and she's reassured me that I don't need to be married to have a child. Perhaps she understands me...and she supports my ideas on single motherhood.

All I can do right now....is trust in God....trust that He's got a plan for me....and at the right time, He will reveal it to me.

"The opposite of fear is love"

That is what was written on the paper of my fortune cookie and as I looked at it all sorts of things went through my mind. What does this mean? Is there truth behind it all?

What stood out the most about this fortune was the fact that perhaps after all these years of being single and broken up with the love of my life, was that there was fear within me to give someone new a chance. It's been 6 years since the love of my life and I broke up...err...should I say that he broke up with me. And in those 6 years, I've tried to find myself again, remake myself, redo my physical exterior...thinking that it would make the pain go away. It helped for a bit...but I don't think it really healed me completely. Don't get me wrong, I've finally let go and I've moved on with my life...but I never let anyone else back into my life the way he was in mine.

Anyone who showed interest in me....I shook it off and I created a wall around myself to prevent people from entering. I wasn't going to let anyone too close to just have them hurt me and leave me in the end. And when I thought I was remotely interested in someone, I didn't persue it because I was so afraid of rejection. Why is it that when I was much younger, I didn't care too much about getting rejected? I'd tell a guy that I was interested and if they didn't feel the same way...oh well was my reaction. But as I get older, I don't want to even take a chance at expressing my interest in that person. My ego doesn't think I could handle the words "I'm not interested in you".

For example, I have this friend and we're cool and he's great to hang out with. We would hang out all the time. And I remember telling a friend about him...and all I got from her was "Oh, I don't know if he'd be interested in you" or something like that. It wasn't even the guy telling me that he wasn't interested...but another friend of mine...and that hurt me. Imagine if the guy was telling that to me to my face. So, all I can do is admire from afar...and feel my heart break whenever I'm around him knowing that we could never be together.

But what if like the fortune cookie says that the opposite of fear is love? Behind all my silly fears could love be waiting for me? And what if I just took that chance and put away my fears....would I find him standing there...loving me? Or would I find myself all alone?

I can't believe that tomorrow it's going to be June! Where has all the time gone? I haven't had the opportunity to blog lately because of the stress in my life about work and finances.

Thankfully, I had passed a crucial examination for work which has saved me from being fired. I truly believe that there's someone up there looking out for me. On the deadline day and the very last hour, I got my passing results! And boy, did it shock my Branch Manager who didn't think I would pass. He actually believed that I would fail...good to know he had faith in me! Yeah right! He just wanted to get rid of me to get rid of some of the goals from the branch and get rid of hours at the branch. Unfortunately for him, I'm still there. My direct manager on the other hand had alot of faith in me even when she thought I was giving up on myself. She gave me strength and fueled the fire within me to prove my Branch manager wrong!

So what might you ask have I been doing lately...well, I've been doing alot of research, soul searching, and reading. Hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll be able to unveil my new business venture/opportunity.

wonderful day

Today was day 2 of 3 days off from work. But it wasn't really a day off because I was in class for one of the courses for my Event Management Certificate program! Just 4 more courses, 100 hours of practicum and 1 portfolio and I will be CERTIFIED! How exciting!

Class was ok....a bit mundane....the facilitator allowed alot of dragging on comments and stories that we had to end a chapter short! Overall, it wasn't too bad...I'd much rather do it in class than online because I figured it allows the opportunity to network and hear real life experiences for people.

After the class, I had planned to meet up with Lexsie. I haven't met up with her since she's moved here. What an understanding person! I thought that maybe after all this time, it would be weird or awkward and maybe it was at first...but after some time...it was like we've been friends forever. I made her walk all the way from Eaton Centre to Bay & Bloor to go and eat at Green Mango. Anytime that I'm down there, I always crave it! And we sat and ate and talked and got all caught up. Then after dinner, we made our way to sit down at the Second Cup to enjoy some after dinner coffee and continue our conversation. She's such a wonderful person and it was so nice and refreshing to sit down and converse with someone you haven't seen for so long. Totally gives you another perspective on things and motivates you to be a better person.

She moved to Toronto from Winnipeg and she's doing great for herself. I'm so happy and proud of her for having that courage to leave a place that had security and comfort everywhere, and try to make it in a big city like Toronto. Can you imagine how daunting and intimidating that would be like?

I really needed tonight...I needed to be able to talk to someone. Lately, I feel like I have no one to turn to. I might not have talked too much, but to be asked how I was doing...it was nice.

I'm trying my best to keep the important people in my life....close to me. And although I understand with the busy life that people have and the other priorities people have in their life...it's just always a nice feeling to be reciprocated with the same kind of appreciation for friendship.

How can I complain about my life when there are people out there who have it so much harder than I do?

How can I say that my life is ending because of some stupid job when I know of a person who is struggling to stay alive for the next 13 months?

How can I think that I won't make it out of this mess when there are people many many miles away from home who are in a mess and trying to fix it and trying to make it out alive?

Right now, I feel like my life is in such a mess...a mess that I obviously put myself in and now I'm frantically trying to fix it up. I've got so much pride that I won't even stop and ask for help. I feel like I've wasted away a little over 7 years of my life, working at something that would just end up slipping through my fingers. I don't even know when things started to spiral downhill for me. I don't even know what I want for my life anymore. Things were so much simplier before. I wish that I could just get a break....that big break to do what I truly want in my life. To own my own business...planning, coordinating and managing events.

I don't know what to do....but what I can't help but listen to is Miley Cyrus' song "The Climb". Check out the lyrics and tell me what you think.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin'
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I
Got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
Cause

There's always going to another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose
Aint how fast I get there
Aint about what's on the other side
It's the climb

-Miley Cyrus

Halt

I feel like my life is suddenly on hold. Well, I mean like I'm not moving forward as fast as I would like to be moving. People all around me...those my age anyways....I feel like they're getting to the next stage in their lives....marriage. I mean don't get me wrong, so much is slowly starting to happen for me but I feel like I'm still 5 stages away from that.

Time is moving fast and yet I still find myself at the same spot. Time is moving and then I look back and I realize that I haven't seen or heard from anyone in so long. I haven't spoken or seen my "best" friend in what seems like a long time. I know she's got her own thing going on right now but I remember all the "us" times we use to have. We always made it a point to go out once a week to just reconnect.

Perhaps my moving away won't be such a bad thing. Perhaps I need this experience to mature even more. Perhaps this will let me appreciate all the things whether big or small I had in my life more.

Argghhh.....I hate it when I get all nostalgic and get all thinking about serious stuff.

See you another time.

Can I make it somewhere else?

It's the Easter weekend and I have had a wonderful long weekend so far. I spent it with my family. So being that there was no work on Friday...and it being Good Friday...I just stayed home and pondered and thought and thought.

Saturday rolled around and I get a call from work. "arrgghh" I'm thinking in my head. I don't pick it up and let my voicemail pick up the call. I listened to the message and it's my boss. "Um, Richelle did you apply for a job in BC and not tell me? The hiring person called and left me a message and wants me to call him back. Call me". I never thought that I would get a phone call back from BC because this is probably like the third job that I've posted for in BC and never got a call back but rather a short and sweet email stating that they already had a list of candidates for the position. So I call up the Boss Lady and tell her that yes I did apply but never really thought that they would call.

Some background information: So, I have been thinking for a long time now (I'm sure I have a blog somewhere about it) about moving to BC. Although, I don't know how much I'd like it...but there's something there that continues to call me to go there. I think it's coming up probably a year that I started thinking about it. I've talked to my parents about it...and my dad is "go ahead and try it...you never know"...whereas my mom is "why do you want to move so far away? what about your nephews?"

So my boss calls the manager back around 8 am PST which is 11 am EST. I talk to her and he's asking her "how soon are you willing to let her go? Is she looking to relocate? etc etc". It sounds pretty good so far right? Well, now I have to wait and see. I have a phone interview with him on Tuesday. But I also have an interview for the same position on Wednesday for a branch in Scarborough.

Now all I keep thinking about it is....can I really leave everything behind and start new? I was getting all nostalgic about my room! I just got it repainted about 2 years ago and finally fully furnished just recently. Hmmm...silly of me to be worrying about a bedroom...when I know that it will still be here should I decide to return. What do you guys think? I can also think of this as an experience of me moving to another country to teach like so many people I know do.

I'm so worried about not making it over there....not being able to stand on my own two feet. I'd probably get a second job just to make sure. People here have told me that they'd hook me up with some of their friends there so that I'm not so alone. (which is a nice gesture...thanks Neil!).

No more family near me...no more friends....no more old coworkers....Thinking too much when nothing is definite yet. Just felt like letting it all out.

What do you guys think??

Update: I asked my sister's friend her opinion of the decision to move and this is what she had to say:

"do it especially if you get the job. it is like what bon jovi says...you can always go back home. but why not. while there is no serious attachments go and experience life somewhere else. good or bad, hard or easy it is an experience that makes you stronger and well you learn from it. Bonus that you have a job to go to, too"