How can I complain about my life when there are people out there who have it so much harder than I do?

How can I say that my life is ending because of some stupid job when I know of a person who is struggling to stay alive for the next 13 months?

How can I think that I won't make it out of this mess when there are people many many miles away from home who are in a mess and trying to fix it and trying to make it out alive?

Right now, I feel like my life is in such a mess...a mess that I obviously put myself in and now I'm frantically trying to fix it up. I've got so much pride that I won't even stop and ask for help. I feel like I've wasted away a little over 7 years of my life, working at something that would just end up slipping through my fingers. I don't even know when things started to spiral downhill for me. I don't even know what I want for my life anymore. Things were so much simplier before. I wish that I could just get a break....that big break to do what I truly want in my life. To own my own business...planning, coordinating and managing events.

I don't know what to do....but what I can't help but listen to is Miley Cyrus' song "The Climb". Check out the lyrics and tell me what you think.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin'
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I
Got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
Cause

There's always going to another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose
Aint how fast I get there
Aint about what's on the other side
It's the climb

-Miley Cyrus

Halt

I feel like my life is suddenly on hold. Well, I mean like I'm not moving forward as fast as I would like to be moving. People all around me...those my age anyways....I feel like they're getting to the next stage in their lives....marriage. I mean don't get me wrong, so much is slowly starting to happen for me but I feel like I'm still 5 stages away from that.

Time is moving fast and yet I still find myself at the same spot. Time is moving and then I look back and I realize that I haven't seen or heard from anyone in so long. I haven't spoken or seen my "best" friend in what seems like a long time. I know she's got her own thing going on right now but I remember all the "us" times we use to have. We always made it a point to go out once a week to just reconnect.

Perhaps my moving away won't be such a bad thing. Perhaps I need this experience to mature even more. Perhaps this will let me appreciate all the things whether big or small I had in my life more.

Argghhh.....I hate it when I get all nostalgic and get all thinking about serious stuff.

See you another time.

Can I make it somewhere else?

It's the Easter weekend and I have had a wonderful long weekend so far. I spent it with my family. So being that there was no work on Friday...and it being Good Friday...I just stayed home and pondered and thought and thought.

Saturday rolled around and I get a call from work. "arrgghh" I'm thinking in my head. I don't pick it up and let my voicemail pick up the call. I listened to the message and it's my boss. "Um, Richelle did you apply for a job in BC and not tell me? The hiring person called and left me a message and wants me to call him back. Call me". I never thought that I would get a phone call back from BC because this is probably like the third job that I've posted for in BC and never got a call back but rather a short and sweet email stating that they already had a list of candidates for the position. So I call up the Boss Lady and tell her that yes I did apply but never really thought that they would call.

Some background information: So, I have been thinking for a long time now (I'm sure I have a blog somewhere about it) about moving to BC. Although, I don't know how much I'd like it...but there's something there that continues to call me to go there. I think it's coming up probably a year that I started thinking about it. I've talked to my parents about it...and my dad is "go ahead and try it...you never know"...whereas my mom is "why do you want to move so far away? what about your nephews?"

So my boss calls the manager back around 8 am PST which is 11 am EST. I talk to her and he's asking her "how soon are you willing to let her go? Is she looking to relocate? etc etc". It sounds pretty good so far right? Well, now I have to wait and see. I have a phone interview with him on Tuesday. But I also have an interview for the same position on Wednesday for a branch in Scarborough.

Now all I keep thinking about it is....can I really leave everything behind and start new? I was getting all nostalgic about my room! I just got it repainted about 2 years ago and finally fully furnished just recently. Hmmm...silly of me to be worrying about a bedroom...when I know that it will still be here should I decide to return. What do you guys think? I can also think of this as an experience of me moving to another country to teach like so many people I know do.

I'm so worried about not making it over there....not being able to stand on my own two feet. I'd probably get a second job just to make sure. People here have told me that they'd hook me up with some of their friends there so that I'm not so alone. (which is a nice gesture...thanks Neil!).

No more family near me...no more friends....no more old coworkers....Thinking too much when nothing is definite yet. Just felt like letting it all out.

What do you guys think??

Update: I asked my sister's friend her opinion of the decision to move and this is what she had to say:

"do it especially if you get the job. it is like what bon jovi says...you can always go back home. but why not. while there is no serious attachments go and experience life somewhere else. good or bad, hard or easy it is an experience that makes you stronger and well you learn from it. Bonus that you have a job to go to, too"

Happy now?

It's 3 in the morning...and here I am finding myself blogging. I suppose the reason why I'm blogging is because earlier I was on FB and saw a picture that reminded me of how cruel some people can be. I've totally tried to brush things off but seeing that picture and the names below it brought back the anger...ok maybe not anger but the feeling of bother in the pit of my stomach.

So, I finally found out why that friend was mad at me...and ok, I understand the whole initial reason for being mad but the whole cancelling on the trip thing was a little over reaction. I can't believe how my cancelling on a trip that was never booked (in terms of a flight) caused a chain reaction of this person's action and how it brought back to this person something so irrelevant. First of all, I gave plenty of notice to cancel the trip...almost 3 months notice. Secondly, I offered taking the trip the following week but I was told that they weren't able to take time off. Only I found out...actually...let me rephrase it...it was rubbed in my face and broadcasted to all those on MSN that they were going on a trip the week that they supposedly couldn't take time off! (And I'm the one who started blogging for all to see...and that's why you blocked me?) Thirdly, I never would have told any of our mutual friends not to invite you anywhere (but you did...and you included in there a totally innocent person who has nothing to do with our fight)

So all those times knowing that you were mad at me...I still made attempts at contacting you via MSN...and you chose to ignore them. Mutual friends invited you to things and you always had an excuse to not come because you couldn't out right say you were mad at me. After all the attempts I made to still be your friend and talk to you...I finally gave up. I deleted and blocked you on MSN when I soon discovered you had blocked me. And now you're saying that you needed time and you made an attempt to contact me. When? When someone passes away? Is that what it takes to finally put our differences aside...a person's life? I still wanted to be your friend when there were people telling me that I shouldn't even care about you anymore. I still included you in the emails when our mutual friends were getting together because I knew that despite how much you hated me it was the right thing to do. Oh and by the way, thanks for not including me in sending off a gift to a friend's baby.

So there, it's finally out in the open...you've finally heard my side. And it sucks that it has to be this way...but I don't know how else to tell you this. You really hurt me. Can we still be friends? I don't know. Will I ever be able to face you and talk to you? I don't know. I'll make things easier for you and for our mutual friends who are stuck in the middle of things. I won't show up to anything. I'm sure they've already heard your side...and I'm sure they have their reservations about me thanks to you. I'd rather not be put at odds or feel like I don't belong so it's best that I keep my distance. I don't want to have to pretend that I'm happy being around. I'm sure you're happy now that I'm out of the picture.